I'm not sure how many people managed to read or catch a glance at the journal i posted last night, but i wanted to apologize because im not sure if i made anyone worry and i hate when people worry about me..
The thing is, lossing my dog yesterday pushed me over an edge i wasn't really aware of, it hit me so hard that i think it managed to break down a wall of emotions i had been building up for a long time and everything just came crashing down on me all at once. Anger, frustration, sadness, regret, guilt, fear, stress, anxiety, depression and just so much more. I was overwhelmed. Every little thing ive been dealing with and pushed back.
I'm frustrated ive been unable to get a job and i cant sell anything on here.
I'm scared my step-dad will kick me outta of the house for not having a job.
I'm sad because i lost my dog, one of my best friends.
I'm guilty i was there when he was put down.
I regret that even tho i got to see him after, i still couldn't say goodbye to him.
I couldnt give him one last pet.
I just stood there tryng to imagine he was just sleeping.
Ill be honest and say no, im not okay, and i probably wont be for a while.
I coped horribly yesterday by sleeping almost all day and only eating one meal at 7-8 ot night.
I didn't talk to anyone, friends or family.
One of my friends even called to check in on me but i lied and said i was fine.
Today probably wont be any better.
I have to go back to the home were my dog was to celebrate my brothers birthday.
But i dont know if i can.
It just wont feel right that hes not there.
That he isn't sitting down in the kitchen begging for food as his tail thumps on the ground and he drools.
Its probably going to make me even more sad and distant.
And im sorry if i am distant.
I just, as much as i want to talk to people, i also dont.
I need time, and a lot of it.
So im sorry if i ignore anyone.
Please dont worry.
Im not okay now, but i will be with time.